Monday, March 10, 2008

There is light at the end of the tunnel...

Lady in Red was kind enough to share some rough experiences with me that she herself had been suffering with in her life. (Thank you my lady xx)

It isn't nice to read or hear about anything that horrible, but it is a fact of life that many women (even men and children) go through pain and suffering from people who have done us wrong.

As sad as it is to hear, it was actually very inspirational and comforting to know that I am not alone with burdens like these, and Lady proved to me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I do hope that in some way that my post's may even help someone else too.

It's amazing! I've gone from completely crippled with no hope, to wanting to face my fears and demanding justice from everyone that has hurt me in just a couple of days! And it's all thanks to Bloggles and other bloggers who have really given me the strength and inspiration to put an end to this pain! *Hugs computer*

Continuing from my last couple of posts 'Monster 1' and 'Monster 2' I will now post about the last (but not least) Monster on my list!

Of course as I said in my last post, these aren't all of the Monsters on my list, these are the only three that I am comfortable with (at this stage) talking about. Then of course there are the smaller things that people have done to me which have also affected my life in a negative way, but they are really not worth posting about.

Before I go on, I just want to apologise that these posts are ridiculously long! I've try to cut a long story short, but every detail is quite crucial to get the gist of exactly what I was experiencing. So please forgive the long rambles!


Going back a long long time ago when I was about 8 or 9 years old, I had just started 4th grade in primary school. Every year was always dreaded for us as kids because it was time for a new class room, new teacher and new class mates. It's daunting being so young and getting comfortable with all your classmates and then having to leave your friends to do it all over again!

Kids can be so cruel, and would abandon you as a friend if you weren't in their class anymore. I always seemed to get in these situations where all my friends got to stay together and I was the one that would be put in a different class of new faces that I had never seen before. I didn't know anybody.

But in this particular class there was a boy (Monster 3) who took a big liking to me from the get go. I wasn't use to having boy friends, only girl friends, so I took no interest in his suggestions to come and have 'lunch' with him and his buddies.

So I would go on the search for my friends from the year before at lunch time who I would find already sitting together laughing and eating like the group was complete. I would go and sit down with them and pull out my lunch and try to join in the conversation, but having them already started one I would have no idea what they were talking about, so most of the time I was left silent and ignored.

Being alone in class having none of my friends to sit and giggle with (like we use to do) while the teacher was talking, I felt extremely lonely very quickly. I wasn't taken to at all with any of the other girls in this class, because they too were with their friends from the year before. The only attention I got was from Monster 3 who would always try to sit next to me and just stare at me most of the time. I would notice him whisper to his buddies and they would giggle to each other just like I use to do with my friends. But something told me that what these boys were whispering about was not something that I would be comfortable with.

"My friends reckon you should come sit with us at lunch" he would say to me. Me being shy, I would quickly put my head down and pretend to scribble on my school book, hoping that he would believe I didn't hear him or something. He always seemed to chuckle at this.

One day, as usual I would go to join my friends for lunch in our usual sitting spot, but to my surprise, they were nowhere to be seen. I searched every where for them, I spent the whole lunch break trying to find them and when the bell went there was still no sign of them. I never got the chance to eat that day.

"Why weren't you sitting with your friends today?" M3 had asked me, when we were back in class. I ignored him because I was extremely shy, I had never really spoken to a boy before other than my brothers.
He went on to say "I saw you looking for them, they were sitting under a tree behind the games area." I was embarrassed. "Yeah... I know" I said, "I was...looking for someone else" I was embarrassed that he had seen me walking around stressed out, so I pretended it wasn't like that, to try and come across 'cool' or something. 'They must have forgotten to tell me that we've moved sitting place' I thought to myself, 'no, actually, they would have come looking for me to tell me but they couldn't find me coz I was off looking for them.' I convinced myself.

So the next day it was time for lunch again and I knew exactly where to find them. Excited that I was able to find them before they found me, I headed towards them with a big smile on my face. But that smile was quick to fade when I realised that the looks they were giving me, when they spotted me in the distance, were not welcoming looks at all.

I felt confused but I slowly continued to approach them. "Whats wrong?" I asked worried. The girls turned and looked at who was suppose to be my best friend at the time, who now had her head down looking at the ground. (I'll call her Olive because she has very olive skin.) "Olive?" I asked, "are you ok?" She looked upset so I kneel down to sit with her. "No don't sit down!" said Poppy (who I'll call, because she was the most popular girl and school and bossed everyone around.) I looked at her confused "Can you not take a hint? You are not our friend any more!" She snapped at me. Feeling like my heart was ripped out of my chest, I stood up and walked away before they could see my tears.

I went into the girls toilet to cry, and it was there where I stayed until the lunch break was over. Just before the bell rang, Olive came in to use the toilet. At first I thought she had come in to comfort me, but I soon realised that she had no idea that I would be in there. She avoided eye contact as she rushed into the toilet. "Olive?" I cried "Why do they hate me?" She was silent until she came out to wash her hands. "I can't talk to you anymore VBF, you're just not one of us now, because you're not in the same class as us." She said as she walked out.

I was heart broken, I wanted to break down and sob but the bell had gone, so I walked back to class completely numb. It didn't bother me so much that the other girls didn't like me, because I didn't particularly like them either. They were mean witches and would pick on other kids, but it was Olive choosing them over me which really hurt the most.

Poppy in particular I always struggled to get along with, she would always tell me that they didn't have room for another 'pretty' girl in the group. One day we were on a school camp and she went into a screaming rage about a nice top I was wearing. "It's just not fair! Tell VBF that she is not allowed to wear that top! She is not allowed to look prettier than me!" She screamed to the rest of the girls. By the way she was acting it was like someone had just been murdered. Sure enough, she got her own way and the girls forced it off of me, Poppy then made me cut it up as a sacrifice I had to make, if I wanted to be part of the group. 'Being pretty sux!' I would think to myself.

Anyway, back to the story...

So for the next couple of days, I was too embarrassed to be seen sitting alone, so I would spend my lunch breaks in the school toilets to eat my lunch. This became my 'crying place.'

But eventually back in class, M3 would say again, "You should sit with us for lunch, we're going to play some hand ball today." For the first time I had actually found his continuous offer appealing! I thought, it would be nice to eat somewhere other than the toilets for a change, and I was no longer worried about being teased from the girls for hanging around the boys because they already hated me."Ok" I said to M3. His eyes lit up, then he immediately whispered to his buddy, who then started giggling like mad.

So when it was time for lunch I was extremely nervous. I thought about changing my mind and heading to my 'crying place' to eat, but then I thought that they would probably tease me for chickening out. So I headed over to the games area to where they would always sit. M3 was already in a game of hand ball with Scar (who I'll call because he has a massive scar above his eye.) "hey look M3, your GIRLFRIEND has decided to join us" Scar joked, "Shut up!" M3 snapped at him.

By now I had massive butterflies in my stomach as I sat down on the bench near them. "Do you want to play?" M3 asked as I pulled out my lunch. "Oh... no thank you, I'd rather just watch for now." I said as I nervously took a bite. So even though the whole break was spent with me just sitting there eating my lunch while watching the boys play handball, I actually quite preferred it than eating in my 'crying place'

The next day for the first time in a while, I actually looked forward to lunch time. In a way I felt kind of 'cool' being part of the 'cool boys' group now! 'I wonder what the boys will play today' I thought to myself.

"You having lunch with us today?" M3 asked. I felt excited for a change, I couldn't wait to have lunch with my new friends "Yep!" I smiled "What game will you be playing today?" I asked. "Oh something that you can play too" he laughed. I was always too shy to get involved with games with other kids, I would always be the one to sit back in the background and watch. But I thought that now would be a good time to impress my new friends by taking part in a game with them. "Cool!" I cheered!

So lunch came around and we all sat together to eat our food. When we'd finished eating it was time to play a game. "Ready to play?" M3 asked me. "Um... ok what are we playing?" I said nervously. "How about a game of hide and seek." he said "You cover your eyes and count to a hundred." 'Oh I love this game' I thought! "Ok" I said as I excitedly covered my eyes and started counting.

While I was counting I could hear them giggling around me, 'Good!' I thought, 'they aren't that far away which will be easier for me to find them.' But when i opened my eyes I discovered to my horror that all the boys were laying under the bench looking up my skirt! (The bench was made of wire and it was very much see through.) "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I yelled at them as I shot up and covered myself. "Nice Knickers!" said scar! as I ran back to my 'crying place'

I was so embarrassed and humiliated, I just couldn't believe they could be so cruel! From that moment on I had decided to no longer sit with them, but instead of going to my 'crying place' I found a private spot behind the tuck shop where I would sit quietly by myself and eat my lunch slowly until the bell would ring.

Days went on and I had become comfortable with my loneliness. But not so long after this M3 came and found me. "Why aren't you sitting with us?" he asked. I looked down and ignored him. "You're not still upset about that game are you? We were only playing." He said. I couldn't trust him, so I told him to leave me alone.

The next day while eating in that same place, M3 popped his head around the corner. "Hello!" he grinned. I dropped my food from the fright. The others were behind him. "We thought we'd come sit with you, since you wont sit with us." he said as they all got comfortable around me.

I had so many thoughts running through my head, I didn't know whether they had felt bad and were trying to make it up to me or if they were planning something else nasty. I sat there confused.

"Wanna play another game?" M3 said. 'Uh oh, he said game!' I thought 'this can not be good.' "No thank you" I said as I started to rush away. But as I stood up M3 tried to rip my skirt off. "LEAVE ME ALONE" I screamed as I tried to escape. Luckily he wasn't able to get the zipper undone and I managed to escape. I could hear them laughing as I ran away.

So from that day on it was back to my 'crying place' to eat my lunch... except now it had become my 'safe place.' M3 and the boys would wait outside for me to come out, so I was late back to class every day to be sure that they were gone before I could come out.

But it didn't take long before my 'safe place' was no longer safe. When there was no one around M3 would run in and try to drag me out. He would drag me out kicking and screaming and stick his hand up my skirt and down my top. When I would beat him off me, it was Scar that would hold me down, while M3 would pull my knickers down and look at my rude bits.

In class he would sit at the desk opposite me, and when no one was looking, he would shove a ruler up my skirt between my legs from under the table. He would torment me and whisper to me that he couldn't wait till lunch time.

At lunch time, there were teachers that would walk around the oval and school playground to keep an eye on the kids. I decided to walk with them and stay by their side through the whole lunch period for protection, since my 'safe place' was no longer safe. M3 and the boys would watch me like a hawk for every opportunity they could get me alone.

One teacher actually got very annoyed with me and asked me to stop following her around. I begged to stay with her and she finally asked me why. While growing up I had learnt from my brothers that 'dobbers wear Nappy's' If I ever dobbed my brothers in to Mum and Dad they would tease me to tears about it. I knew M3 would do much worse if I was to dob him in, so I avoided it for as long as I could. But when this teacher had asked me why it was so important for me to be by her side, I decided that I had to speak up.

"Those boys over there are trying to rip off my clothes." I cried "who? These boys?" she asked as she headed towards them. "Yes" I cringed as I followed her over. "VBF said that you tried to rip her clothes off" she said to them, "Is this true?" "No Miss," said M3, "We were just playing tiggy and I accidentally tugged on her shirt" was his reason. "Now see! It was just an accident," She said, "Don't worry your pretty little head about it" she said as she patted me on the head. "Now go... go play!" she insisted "Go do kids stuff or what ever it is you kids do" I started shaking and looked up at her and begged with my eyes. "Don't follow me." she said as she walked away. I felt I could no longer trust even the adults now.

As I watched her disappear into the background I slowly turned to see a smirk on M3's face. "You think you can get me in trouble do you?" He said as he made a fist. "Well you're gonna be sorry about that!" he said as he came toward me. By this stage I ran and ran until I ended up at the back school fence, I hid behind a tree hoping that I had lost them.

But sure enough moments later M3 and Scar had found me, and there was no one else around. The bell rang the moment they came into my sight. All I remember was that I had crouched into a ball and the next thing i knew, I had been stripped naked by both of them. While I watched scar run to the middle of the oval to where he dropped my clothes, M3 was standing above me staring down at me. "Why?" I sobbed to him "Why are you doing this to me?" I finally asked. He looked uncomfortable for a moment and then replied "I dunno..." he said while scratching his head... "Because you're pretty" he answered. Then he ran to catch up with Scar and I watched them run back to class.

Those 3 little words to this day make me cringe. Unlike most girls who would give anything to be pretty, I actually grew to hate it. I believe this is why I have never been comfortable with male attention and being called 'pretty' by them (no offence to all that have and have meant no harm.)

After that day, I would try everything I could to avoid going to school. I would try to fake sickys and sometimes even kick and scream. I even tried to convince my Mum that I needed glasses. A lot of girls were teased at school for wearing glasses, they were called ugly and all sorts of names, but I now wanted to be one of those girls. I wanted to be ugly. I even contemplated slashing my face with a knife just to make myself ugly, but I always chickened out. I thought that by having cuts all over my face and by wearing glasses M3 would find me ugly and wouldn't chase me any more.

One day at school I actually fainted, I think probably because the stress just got too much for me. The teacher sent me to the sick bay, this room where I would rest until they could get in touch with my Mum. This became my new 'safe place,' I never even knew this sick bay exsisted before! So after that I use to fake it alot, just to get away from M3! I would do it simply for protection. I know that both the teachers and my Mum were quick to cotton on that I was faking it, because I was doing it so damn much (sorry mum {she reads my blog}) but I would rather be frowned apon then have M3 do these things to me.

Anyway as years went on I always suffered for what M3 did to me. But as I got older I started to put it down to 'kids will be kids' and I told myself that I'm sure he realises now that what he did was nasty and that he was probably sorry. I even started to feel sorry for him, because of all the anger I had for him.

But not long after my 18th I saw him for the first time in years in town. I was sitting at the bar when he came up to me. I started shaking all over again like the little school girl I was back then. "Hey pretty lady, can I get you a drink?" he said. I was stunned. "uh.... no thanks I buy my own" I said, not knowing what the hell was going on. "My names M3" he said as he put out his hand for me to shake it. I was baffled! He had no idea who the hell I was, but I could never forget his face. "You don't know who i am do you?!" I said to him. He looked confused for a moment "Uh... you're a beautiful stranger who wants a good fuck?" he said. I knew from that moment that he had never changed.

I stood up and left my drink, and walked away "Hey! where are you going? its rude not to tell a man your name when he introduces himself to you!" he yelled to me. I stopped and glared at him, he had the same smirk on his face like he always had in primary school. "Does VBF ring a bell?" I yelled. His face dropped. I made my way out the door to where my friends were.

A while later when the clubs were shutting up at about 5am, my friends and I started walking to the taxi rank, when a car pulled up beside us. M3 stepped out and walked up to me. "FUCK OFF!" I said as soon as I saw him. He laughed, "Man you have got even more beautiful than when I last saw you" he said as he came towards me. I wanted to run away all over again, but at the same time I wanted him to think that he didn't scare me any more. "Why don't you come back to my house, let me make it up to you" he said as he grabbed my arm. I got dejavu as if it was the game of hiding seek all over again. "I'd rather die!" I said as I snatched my arm back. "Well that can be arranged" he said in a tormenting voice as he tried to drag me into his car.

I started screaming and my friends and a nearby security guard fought him off. Eventually he just got back in the car and they took off. "Next time," he smiled as they drove away. I was done feeling sorry for him from that moment on.

"What the fuck was that about?" my friends asked. "I'll explain on the way home" I said as I got into the taxi. That was the first time I ever spoke about this, and besides mentioning bits and peices about it to hubby, I never spoke about it again until now.


13 GiGGLeS:

Vi said...

Oh honey! What a little shit! I had no idea about M3. It is so true how what happens in our childhood affects us in our adult life. Geez, even at such a young age little boys can be so cruel to the opposite sex. It seems no matter if you are beautiful or not, there is someone out there who wants to pick on you.


Anonymous said...

Holy Crap!!!! Sorry, but I can't think of anything else to say.... so I will say it again... Holy Crap!!!!


But, I am glad you got a chance to tell him to fuck off at least.


Mortuis said...

I had to step away and think about this for awhile.

I think youo need Jet Li to find him and kick his balls into his cranium. Three times. The kind of kicks that happen so fast, they've already happened before your brain can register the first kick.

Of course, based on what you've said, his balls may already be there.

You're very brave, darlin'. Kudos to you for having the nerve to bring all this out into the open.

Anonymous said...

Ugh he's an asshat. You could've excused his actions at 8 but not when he's "matured". Ugh.

Like I said...brave, strong woman.

Lady in red said...

thanks for the thank you at the top it really wasn't necessary.

sounds like you have had a really rough time all through your life, heres hopng you have turned a corner now and nothing like this happens again.

hugs LiR

tax man said...

I am sure with your strength you will sort this all out. Push on. Don't give in

Utter Basketcase said...

Aunty Vi - Yeh I know... it's a cruel world! xx

C:) - *GiGGLeS* yeh holy crap is a good way of putting it! :-) xx

Mag - Thank you lol, actually to be honest, Hubby has a brilliant memory, he recognised M3 from a school photo and saw him on his Lunch break one day. Lets just say M3 got his arse kicked by Hubby! I didn't know about this till months later! Not that I was very comfortable with it. xx

Jenn - Thank you, In a way I'm glad I got to see him that night, it stopped me from feeling sorry for him. xx

Lady - Oh it was my pleasure to make you that Thank you bouquet, you really helped me a lot. Besides... I just love making pretty things like that! :-) Thank you, I'm pretty confident that the bad stuff will stop happening from now on. :-) xx

Tax man - Thank you, I'm feeling stronger every day. xx

Spiky Zora Jones said...

I have been not much on the net...My go'f's mother is in the hospital and we have been with her much.

Oh made me cry. Somany things come back to me...and I will never forget.

In grammer school I did beat upi boys. I was taller. My sisters and brothers taught me how to fight. I beat up lots who tried to do things to me, they were afraid of me. I wish I knew you and you could have hung out with me and my friends...we would not push you away.

In the 6th grade I kicked a red headed boy (Marvin) in the face after i took hold of his hair and pulled him to the ground. He was saying bad terrible things to me and about my mother. He didn't believe the things they said I could and would do. I was afraid of me. If you were my friend...they would be afraid of doing anything you.

I want to hurt that boy that did that to And I could.

Karin's Korner said...

I am so proud of you for fighting your monsters one at a time. Go Girl!! I hope that it is helping to write about it and just to let you know, as your write about it and get it out in the open, maybe it will help someone else that is going through the same thing do something about it. And if ever I jump the puddle, I will be happy to go out with your hubby and kick some ass!! Shame on these men and women for that matter treat another human like that, I just have to shake my head. God Bless you. Let us know how to goes!!

Anonymous said...

mini vi - I have a request C:D... completely ignore me if you want to (most people do C;P) and I am just being a goof-ball here... but can you tell us about an angel in your life?

**whine** Just one, then go back to monsters.

**whimper** All these monsters are going to give me nightmares. C:D

(again, just ignore me... what you are doing is awesome!!!!) C:)

Utter Basketcase said...

C:) - *GiGGLeS* Thats a fantastic idea!!! Hey! Request away, you did a silly post for me, so i shall do an angel post for you! :-) It will be a good chance to win that beer back! ;-)

Now I just gotta think of one!!!! :-P xx

Fat Controller said...

Reading this makes me so angry, and at the same time so desperately sad. Clearly the school teachers weren't doing the job they were paid to do i.e. making sure of your safety while you were in their care. Cliques are an awful thing and kids can be so cruel. It is up to the adults around to be alert to exactly this kind of problem. Shame on them.

In the school system over here, a class stays together, with the same teacher, right the way from first grade to fifth, and then another teacher takes them through to the 9th grade when they move on to college. This can be a good thing if you get on well with the teacher, but if you don't...

Utter Basketcase said...

Thinny - Yeh I know what you mean, I have a bit of anger for the teachers too! Wow! I like the sounds of the schooling system over there! This would have helped me so much when I was at school! :-) Thank you xx