Friday, March 7, 2008

The end of a breakdown... or the beginning of another

Warning!! Very long vent post!
Read when you've got the time!

I've done something that's either completely nuts, or completely freeing! What I have done could either make me or break me! I have no idea!!!

Most of my life I have been put in horrible situations, harassed verbally, physically and sexually. I have been a pushover all my life and have always let people take advantage of me.

I can't bring myself to talk about some experiences, because a lot of it still hurts too damn much! But every single one of these people that I have been victim to, have gotten away with it, because I let them.

The truth is, is that my life is a misery! I suffer every single day with the burden of what has been done to me. I suffer from agoraphobia because I have major trust issues and am too terrified to leave my own house! I suffer from depression and illnesses because I am under constant stress. It effects everything that I do, my thoughts, my decisions, my life! I can't even bring myself to work any more because of it!

When somebody hurts me, I end up feeling sorry for them even though it is me who is the victim. I know first hand how much it hurts to be attacked, so for that reason, I've always felt that if I was to take action against an offender, in some way, that would be like attacking them which would hurt right? I don't want to put anyone else through any pain, because I know it's not a nice feeling.

It's a lot like my relationship with my husband. He can do or say something that can really hurt me, I'll get angry at him and can say some horrible things to him to defend myself. But straight after I do, I get this strong feeling of guilt come over me, and I'll apologise to him for simply defending myself.

This is actually a very bad example, because hubby has never hurt me any where near in the way that other people have in my life. But still, I have done the same to them, when I have no reason to be sorry. It is them that are suppose to apologise to me, but instead I am sorry to them.

It is only very recently that I FINALLY came to the realisation, that this kind of thinking is wrong! For years I have let people walk all over me, and I have allowed them as though they have had every right to!

But they didn't! And they don't! I have finally for the first time ever realised that I never deserved any of it.

Sure, it has crossed my mind sometimes, when certain experiences play over and over in my mind and I cry myself to sleep over it. Sometimes I have had a moment where I've thought, that the reason why i am crying is because of what they / he / she did to me was unfair. But it never took long for me to just push the pain to the back of my mind and pretend to be happy with my life again.

But it never goes away, and it never would, because I'd never deal with it. Sometimes I get SO angry because I think surely, these people can't live with themselves for what they did to me. But instead, it is ME that can't live with MYSELF because I've let what THEY did to me affect me in ways, that it almost makes it impossible for me to get on with my day!

So finally, just a few days ago, I decided that it was about time I stood up for myself, and I did the craziest thing that I could NEVER imagine myself to do!

I've decided that it is time to fight for my justice from every single one of these people!

I wrote down a list, of every experience that makes me cry myself to sleep every night. And from the most recent, working my way down to the longest time ago, I am going to contact those people one by one and give them a piece of my mind!

Because there are so many, it is too much for one post! So I'll be doing a different post every day or so with a description of each experience I have suffered with! (there aren't gonna be a few GiGGLeS for a while!)

The most recent on my list is....


About 18 months ago I was working for a construction company in reception. That place is full of male construction workers that were always in and out of the office! All the guys would be sleazy to me, and I would hear their degrading comments to each other about me. But that's just the same as every other bloody job I've had! I'm use to that, and it was just a normal thing to me frankly!

But there was one guy in particular (Monster 1) who was particularly sleazy to me, as well as very arrogant and cocky! As much as the way he treated me in the office insulted me and offended me, it really wasn't something I let bother me, because I knew there was no way of avoiding it (I've had it all my life and always will, so I learnt to live with it!) So like always I'd just smile and get on with my work and day, and act like no one could bring me down.

But it was at an end of the month work function where he really crossed the line.

It was a work get together with free alcohol and pizza. There were only two girls there (me and one other female worker), which made me uncomfortable but being the good little employee that I was, I felt that I'd better make the effort.

There was a small reason why I actually looked forward to it, and that was because an old friend of mine (who I'll call Dread because he has dreadlocks) who was actually my ex boyfriends best mate in high school, also worked for this company. We were actually quite good mates and I had lost contact with him when I moved to NZ. But when I heard he was gonna be at the work do, I thought it would be a good opportunity to catch up with him.

So I sat with Dread most of the time in the corner of the room catching up, and minding my own business when he was off doing other things. I'd actually learnt that Dread was no longer friends with Ex, in fact Dreads NEW best mate was now Monster 1!

Throughout the night M1 would sit across the room and yell out degrading comments towards me, I would just ignore it. For some reason he would just continue to try and provoke me and torment me, but I could not understand why! I would pull out a cigarette and before I could light it, he would run up and snatch it out of my hand and break it in half. He was really starting to upset me.
Before long, Dread had to leave because his brother was arriving from out of town, and my boss also had left at the same time because he received an important call that he had to attend to. I had arranged a ride home with the other female, so I would stay until she was ready to go.

But after Dread and my boss left, M1's behavior became worse towards me. It got to a point where I stood up, walked over to him and asked him "What the hell is your problem?"

To cut a long story short, from what he said to me made it clear that he had something against attractive women! My guess is that he has been rejected many times that he has become bitter from it! Basically, he was like "I know girls like you, you think you're so great, better than everyone else, and think you can have who and what ever you want." That kind of thing.
This guy didn't even know me, he just judged me by the way that I looked and assumed I was a snob! I tried to defend myself and it turned into an argument, and me being me, I felt bad that I defended myself, and I backed down and apologised for... well I have no idea!

During this time, one of the guys there (Smiley - who is actually a really nice guy) had arranged a huge drug deal to take place at this work function, now that the boss was gone. M1 and some other workers placed an order of how many pills each of them wanted. M1 was pressuring me to have some too, but i wanted NOTHING to do with it, the whole thing was very dodgy.

After the argument with M1, the weirdo started sleazing on to me as if I had given him permission to! He was pretty much suggesting that we duck off somewhere for a shag! I was shocked at this and imediately rejected his suggestion. But this made him angry, so angry that he slapped me across the face! It wasn't just a light slap either, it was a BANG!

I was completely shocked by it and certainly was not expecting it! Tears starting falling out of my eyes, and I just could not speak! Smiley, was just as shocked as I was and had a go at M1 for it. He told me that if I want him to kick his arse just say the word. I am a strong believer that violence does not solve anything, my husband wants to hurt a lot of people for the way they have treated me, but i am always stopping him from getting into fights, it really scares me, and I don't believe anyone deserves to get hurt.

When the tears started running down my face, M1 said to me "oh you poor baby, what are you going to do? Get your Prince charming to come to the rescue?" I replied angrily "No, because I don't want him to go to jail for your murder." And it's true, if hubby was there he probably would have killed him, he has a lot of anger for people like M1.

So after M1 provoked me more with verbal abuse, I said to him "if you slap me one more time I will kick you in the balls!" So what did he do? He smirked and then slapped me again, this time even harder.

This time I felt a lot of rage come over me, and I stood up and aimed for his balls with my foot. But just as I lifted my leg, M1 grabbed hold of it and flipped me up in the air and threw me across the room. I landed on the concrete, hitting my head on a pole.

He thought it was so funny, the whole thing just amused him and all he could do was laugh. I stood up in shock and went to look for my friend who was suppose to be my lift. But for some reason, she had left without me! I went into the bathroom and bawled my eyes out. I hate letting people see me cry, so I just pretended to be washing my hands or something.

When I cleaned myself up and had hidden my tears, I decided I'd go back and pretend like I didn't let it upset me. I had no choice as I needed to figure out a new way to get home. So I came back out and as I sat down, I joked to Smiley, "OK you can beat M1 up for me now." So Smiley started tackling M1 (kind of playfully because they are mates) and while Smiley was laughing, M1 was not!

He became so angry it was bloody scary! There was this look in his eyes as if he was about to kill Smiley. But when Smiley realised this, he backed right off and was like "Sorry man, I was only messing with ya."

By the time M1 was released from Smileys tackle, I was terrified of him. I knew then that I had better just shut up and not tick this guy off any more, because if I upset him further, he could be capable of much worse. (Even though I did NOTHING wrong!) Also too because around this time, the drug deal had arrived, and they had all taken at least 2 pills each.

At this stage I felt very uncomfortable, and very unsafe. Although I felt that I could trust Smiley, I couldn't depend on that because he was just as scared of M1 as I was.

So I just stayed where I was, in my chair like a frightened mouse! Smiley did the right thing by trying to change the subject, to get M1 in a better mood, he was telling jokes and trying to say something to laugh about.

Eventually M1 had calmed down and was laughing, and by then I had decided it was a good time for me to leave. I was living with my parents at the time, and they were just down the block, so i decided I would just walk home.

M1 was trying to get me to stay, but I politely said that I'd love to stay but I must go. (I was afraid of getting him upset again.)

So finally I got home, but I decided that I wouldn't tell anyone what had happened because a) I was afraid of him, b) I felt sorry for him, and c) Coz hubby would want to kill him. blergh!!!!

So the next Monday it was back to work. I pretended like nothing had happened and as it turned out... so did M1!!! But I was ok with this, it made it easier for me to just forget about it and get on with my life.

In the building next door to where I worked, I had made friends with this new girl who worked there. I'll call her Slut, because ffs she is one!!! Slut had just moved here from another town and didn't have any friends. So I befriended her and we would go out for smoke breaks together. She had the hots for M1, and she actually had been dating him. What I didn't mention before is that some of the awful stuff that came out of M1's mouth was about Slut. He came straight out and told me that he can't stand Slut, and that he is just using her for sex.

I felt sorry for Slut that she was head over heels for this guy that has only horrible things to say about her behind her back.
After everything was fine on the Monday, I was comfortable and quite happy that I was able to move on with everything that had happened.

But on Tuesday, I was out having a cigarette with Slut, when she asked me how the work do was. I wasn't sure whether to tell her what M1 had said about her or not, because I didn't want any part of it. But at the same time I felt terrible for her and wanted to try to convince her to not fall for him.

So without saying too much I said " lol, do you ever find that M1 can get aggressive when he drinks?" Slut said "ummm no not that I know of... why???" I just laughed and said "Oh it's no big deal, he just slapped me around a bit, it just surprised me a little." She looked confused. "Oh don't worry" I said "I laughed it off I'm sure it was playful really."


Slut even laughed with me about it, and then it was back to work we both went.

The next day, still thinking every thing was fine, my boss asked me to ring M1 and call him into the office for a work meeting. So I dialed M1's number. M1 answered the phone "WHAT?!" I thought he must be having a bad day. I politely told him that boss wanted him to come into the office, but before I could finish he hung up on me.

20 minutes later M1 storms him and pegs his Foreman's reports at my head, and storms back out again. I was shocked. I didn't know wtf was going on. Boss came out and asked where M1 was... "I... He... he just stormed in and pegged his reports at my head and then stormed out again.." I said.

Thinking that boss would be concerned with this, all he could say was "Well why didn't you stop him??? I need to talk to him! Get on the phone and call him back in!" But no matter how many times I tried to call, M1 would not pick up, he was ignoring me.

I explained to boss that M1 wasn't answering, but he pretty much treated me like I was an idiot. "FFS I'll call him myself!" he said.

Eventually he got through to him and M1 bolted past me straight into the bosses office. (I got in trouble for "letting" M1 through too, with out giving boss warning!) Much to M1's disgust, he had to come and see me for some petty cash, as boss ordered him to go and buy some tools.

This gave me the chance to ask him what was wrong. "You're a fucking lying bitch" he said!..... This shocked me... again! "WHAT????" I asked. "You know what," he said, "You telling Slut lies that I bashed you!".... "Huh?" I said "First of all I NEVER said that, and second of all, if I did, it wouldn't have been a lie!" "Oh fuck off, you think you're so good, well let me tell YOU something, every one in this work place knows you're a liar because I've told them that you've made up this shit!" he continued, "You're a fucking liar and no one will ever believe you!" He snatched the petty cash and stormed out.

I started shaking like mad at this point. I couldn't believe what had just happened. For a start either Slut exaggerated what I had said, or M1 freaked out that I mentioned it at all and decided to get his army ready for battle. Secondly, I had let this prick get away with it, I wasn't planning on taking it further! I just couldn't believe that after I let him get away with something HORRIBLE HE did to me, HE was the one to challenge ME with it? I don't know what upset me more.

Unable to think, I walked out of the office and into the building next door to see Slut. She rolled her eyes as soon as she saw me. "Hi Slut, ummm just curious, what did you say to M1 last night?" "Oh" she said, "Don't worry, I now know the truth." 'And what truth would that be?" I asked, "Oh that you're a slut and you were trying to get into his pants all night!" My jaw dropped, she went on to say "Oh and by the way, fuck off he didn't lay a hand on you!"

I wanted to say "do you really believe that?" But I just couldn't say anything, I just walked out and headed into the bathroom to cry all over again.

After my boss basically told me to get over what ever was wrong with me and get back to work, I headed back to my desk to get on with my work. I just could not concentrate, I was dying inside to be honest. Boss needed me to call M1 again, so much to my horror I picked up the phone. If I were to type out all the further verbal abuse M1 had to said to me on the phone, this post will never end, and it's bloody too long already!

It upset me that he never let me get a word in, and I just NEEDED him to know how angry he had made me feel. So I started texting him with my defence, and it turned into text wars. During all of this I got an idea to call Smiley.

He answered the phone "Smiley, you know how M1 attacked me at the work do?" "Uh yeah, he can be a prick like that, are you ok?" he said. "No actually I'm not, he has decided to challenge me over this even though I was happy to let him get away with it, he has everyone believing I'm a liar, you were my witness, can you please tell my boss about it?" I pleaded. "Oh, look I'm sorry but I can't get into this, theres some other stuff that happened that night which I can't risk being found out (drugs) I'd rather stay out of this, but i will have a word to M1 and tell him to leave you alone."

This wasn't good enough for me, I felt totally alone. Everyone had turned against me, when I was the victim trying to protect the offender, it just didn't seem fair.

I started hyperventilating and a lady worker told me to go out and get some fresh air. I ended up walking to a mates house and just bawled my eyes out the second she opened the door.

Boss rang me and started going off his nut! "Where the fuck are you? I've got M1 here he's made a complaint about you harrassing him through text! Get back in the office, you can't just walk out ffs, you've got work to do."

Ok so now I'm really fired up! My boss didn't give a shit that M1 was harrassing me all day at work and pegged reports at my head! But here he was defending M1 because I sent him a nasty text message?

"I'm sorry boss, I just had to get out of there, I can't come back in yet, not while he is there, and besides I vomitted all over my shirt." Which i did, when I get too worked up I spew! ... "Not good enough" he said, "if you don't come in here right now, your job is going to be on the line." He threatoned. I started hyperventalating again and said "If you can't respect and support that I can not come back into work right now, then i will have no choice but to quit." I cried. "Resignation accepted!" He said, just as he hung up.

So here I was, completely freaked out by this situation, I just had my boss scream at me and I lost my job, I had my mobile phone going nuts from text messages of threats from slut, from M1, and I had Smiley begging me to not say anymore coz he didn't want to get busted for the drugs! I was just a mess!

My poor Mother came to pick me up to find that I was just an absolute train wreck! I was beyond upset! The anger and stress was almost too much for my body to handle! I don't know why i didn't drop dead.

On top of all of this, mine and Hubbys wedding was less than a month away (wedding planning is stressful enough by itself.)

So that was that! What did I do about it? Absolutely nothing! In fact! I apologised to my boss, to Slut and to M1 for defending myself yet again!

So my boss and the company got away with practicly fireing me with unfair dismissal, and M1 got away with bullying me and having the company believe that I made up this big fat lie. And Slut... well it can only end badly for her so, I couldn't care less about her.

Since then, something even worse happen. Hubby was out on his bucksnight when he ran into Dread! Here was Dread, who had been my mate for years, who i thought I could trust - telling MY soon to be husband in a couple of days... NOT to marry me!

Dread told hubby that he believes M1's side of the story and that is that I am a slut and I tried to sleep with him all night! Apparently I made up the 'lie' of M1 bashing me because I was afraid that he would tell Hubby that I tried to sleep with him??? Dread was being serious to Hubby "Seriously dude, you're a great guy, I'd hate for you to be hurt by VBF she's a slut, don't go through with the wedding."

Hubby didn't tell me about this until we were on the plane on our way to our honeymoon. Yep! Our whole honeymoon was spent with me bawling my eyes out on hubbys shoulder! I just couldn't believe that people could be so cruel. I couldn't believe that DREAD who I adored and trusted so much could try and do an awful thing! Try to sabotage my wedding??? That's pretty damn hurtful!

Lucky for me Hubby didn't believe a word Dread said and went through with the wedding! Hubby just couldn't buy that M1 would pass on an oppurtunity to sleep with me! Ha! I don't know how any idiot could believe that! M1 is a SLEAZE!!! The whole fucking town knows it!

But anyway, again I apologised to Dread for upseting him with all of this!

(I'm a Fucking idiot I know!!!!!!)

But guess what it is that I did a couple of days ago?

I contacted the company, I told them everything, about the drugs, about what happened and told them how it has ruined my life. I also told them that I am finally standing up for myself and that I hold them responsible for unfair dimissal and for not protecting nor suporting me, and I told them that I demand a FUCKING apology from the bastards!!!

I told them that I may even take it further!

Lets just say... they are investigating into it, and they are shitting their pants!... Then I will go after Monster 1!!!

To be honest, I don't know if I am ready for this, I don't know what is going to happen. It can either make me or break me! But this is the biggest step I have EVER taken in my life!

And this is just ONE of the things on my list!

It's time to get some justice ffs!


17 GiGGLeS:

Fat Controller said...

Bloody hell, that is some heavyweight stuff! And what an awful burden to have been carrying around. Respect to you for sharing it. It must feel like beating your head against a brick wall when everybody closes ranks against you.

With the possible legal ramifications, with drugs being involved, and what with this prick M1 having a history of violence and intimidation towards others it might be a good idea right at the outset to make a statement to the police or deposit a signed affadavit at your solicitors giving your side of the story in case any shit starts being flung back at you.

Best of luck with this. I hope you get some sort of vindication.

Utter Basketcase said...

Thank you Fatty, as you can probably guess I am new to all of this! It really is quite mind blowing to be honest! Thanks for your advice, it can help me alot actually! I really didn't know where to start, but I shall look into that! xx

Anonymous said...


Utter Basketcase said...

C:) - Back at ya!!! :-) xx

Anonymous said...

Damn girl.

Mortuis said...

And you've been carrying this around all this time? This and MORE? Oh yeah, it's time to get some of your own back!

My prayers are with you and yours, darlin', every step of the way! Win, lose or draw, I'm in your corner.

Utter Basketcase said...

jenn - damn indeed lol!

Mag - Thank you :-) I always fooled myself in to believeing that I was strong and if I showed any sign of weakness I would fail. But I've realised it's the other way around! I now realise I have every right to be upset by it, and that I need to go through the stressful process of doing whats right for myself! xx

Dark Side said...

VBF - How absolutely dreadful, I am so very sorry you have had to go through this, but big up to you for trying to face it head on.

Blogging is an excellent way to vent these things because you have a fantastic support network and I for one will back you 100%.

Well done for facing up to it and remember what goes around comes take care babe..xx

Utter Basketcase said...

Em - Thank you :-) Yeh it has really suprised me how much it has helped by posting about these things! I wish I did this sort of thing ages ago! Thanks for your support, I appreciate it :-)xx

Misty DawnS said...

For several hours yesterday, I tried commenting on this post, but damn stupid Blogger wouldn't let me! So, forgive me for commenting late.

When I first started reading this post. At the beginning when you are describing yourself, how you have always let people walk all over you, and how you always apologize for everything even when you are the one who deserves the apology... man, it sounded like you were describing me!!! I was sitting here saying "Holy sh*t, she sounds just like me!"

Since it sounds like we are very similar emotionally, I totally know what it is like to hold things in, never get closure, and also be angry with yourself for not sticking up for yourself. I've always kept my hurt inside and never did anything through molestation, abuse, etc.

I admire you for taking the steps you are taking! You are such a fantastic person, and I am so sorry that you had to endure horrible things, but I am so inspired that you are now standing up for yourself. ((((HUGS)))) I'll be cheering you on!

Utter Basketcase said...

misty - *hehe* No need to apologise hun! I know what you mean, some days it doesn't work for me at all! But it's never too late to comment. :-)

Ha! See I told you we were twins! :-) I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one, but in a way I'm not glad at all, because it is not a nice feeling to have. I'm terribly sorry to hear that you too have suffered :-( *hugs*.

Thank you so much for your support, to be honest a week ago I would never have been able to even imagine posting about these things, but something happend and I feel SO much better that I have!

If you ever want to open up about your own sufferings, I for one know that it sure helps. And I too will support you also 100%! :-)xx

Vi said...

Hey, it was only THURSDAY that you said you couldn't post about this, and low and behold, HERE IT IS!!!! Sweetie, keep up the good work. Writing it down is like therapy.

Utter Basketcase said...

Aunty Vi - I know right!? It's just insane! I've really suprised myself with it! I'm glad I have though! xx

nitebyrd said...

I shall be back to read these posts, hopefully tonight.

Good Lord, girl! You need more than a cyberhug but that's all I can give right now. (((HUGS)))

Utter Basketcase said...

nite - *GiGGLeS* Thanks for the hug! :-) It's just as nice as a real one! :-) It's ok, I don't expect you to read them! They are bloody long posts LOL, It was just good for me to post about them, makes me feel much better! :-) Thank you xx

nitebyrd said...

VBF, I think that by taking this first step you are actually finding out how strong your really are. You want to stop what is hurting you and that is a brilliant thing to do. Be proud of yourself, girl! I'm proud of you.

Utter Basketcase said...

nite - Thank you :-) I've been feeling alot better since I posted this! :-) xx